When we lose a loved one, our whole world collapses in one second, we get so shocked and sometimes the choc is so big that we feel numb. We just do not feel our body. Sometimes we start to lough and tell jokes, sometimes we start eating without tasting anything. We would do anything to delay feeling the pain. Sometimes we totally disassociate and detach ourselves from anything around us.
According to psychotherapists, after losing a loved one we go through 5 important stages of grief.
5 important stages of grief:
Denial:
In this first phase we cannot believe what we heard, we refuse to accept this person is gone and we can never see him/her anymore specially if we have seen or have spoken to this person just a day/week or not long time ago. All the memories of the time shared with this person race through our mind and that is so much to process. Denial slows this race down so that we do not get too overwhelmed and helps us to reduce the overwhelming pain of loss.
How can EFT help in this phase?
By using EFT and tapping we release the effects of this big chock and as a result we can feel our body again, we accept how our body feels and how we feel overall, we understand what is happening to us and we accept that we cannot accept it at that moment. We allow ourselves to give us the time we need to pass this phase.
Anger:
In this phase you might feel anger and rage at the doctors, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, society and even yourself. You might start blaming them for what this disaster. It is easier to blame others and be angry then feeling the pain. Holding on to anger makes us feel stronger but you It also exhausts you physically.
How can EFT help in this phase?
By using EFT and tapping we let go of the anger and rage and stop blaming others or even ourselves as we start to understand what is happening within us. We allow us to feel the pain gently and kindly. We give ourselves the permission to calm down and give ourselves the time we need to pass this phase.
Bargaining:
In this phase we start to become desperate and anxious. We struggle to find the sense of control back. We would do anything to push off reality. We start to bargain with ourselves or the universe, we try to explain this big loss and resolve the emotional pain in several ways:
- We try to be a better human being, spend money and time in charity if your pain would go away
- We feel completely guilty and be fully hard on ourselves and tell ourselves that if we would not have done this or that your loved-one would be still alive.
- We negotiate with a higher power or universe; we hope to heal or for a miracle to bring back what we lost
Examples:
- If I only had listened to her more
- If I only spent more time with her/him
How can EFT help in this phase?
By using EFT we release the guilt, anxiety, desperation and calm down. We stop blaming ourselves for not having done/said something we think we should have. We forgive ourselves and accept ourselves when we are ready. We allow ourselves to be patient and kind with ourselves while we are going through this.
Depression:
In this phase the situational depression (Not to confuse with clinical depression) and the painful reality of the situation kicks in. Everything seems pointless; You might:
- feel hopeless when you think about your future without them
- not feel interested to participate in any activity as nothing feels the same
- have sleeping problems or sleep too much and feel increasingly tired
- feel increasingly anxious as you try to manage this loss by acknowledging the pain
- fall back on self-destructive habits you had before the loss like over-eating or isolation
How can EFT help in this phase?
By using EFT we release the sadness and anxiety and accept our state of not wanting to participate in any activity without judging ourselves. We allow ourselves to feel the pain as part of the grieving process. The more we tap the more we release this immense amount of sadness and as a result we can relax and sleep calmly while being patient and kind with ourselves. Should we fall back to self-destructive habits, we will tap to let them go We take the time we need to pass this phase.
Acceptance:
In this phase we start to accept our new reality. We understand that we must continue our lives even though nothing is the same. We begin to find some moments of inner peace and comfort ourselves by good memories. We might dream about our loved-one or start talking to her/him in our mind. This is the beginning of a healing process and does not mean that we are healed or recovered.
How can EFT help in this phase?
By using EFT we let go of any resistance to acceptance there might still be. Sometimes we might feel guilty of letting go of the pain, because it would mean that we would forget about that person, or it would mean that we are a bad daughter/sister/family member/friend/colleague/… if we let go. We then accept our new reality and find the best way for the grieving person to stay connected to the deceased one (example: talking from our heart to that person/ to their picture).Then we might give ourselves the permission to find inner peace and calmness. At that point only if we are ready, we start looking at our future without that person and begin moving on.
Do the 5 stages happen in order?
No, there is no particular order. We might even not experience all of the stages, we might get stuck in one if we do not release the overwhelming emotions, we might need months or even years in a certain stage because we resist to let go.
As an EFT coach I can help and support you on your personal grief journey so that you can release the resistance to let go, forgive yourself and find inner peace and calmness in a gentle way.
